We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
