I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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