just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
