when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
