you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
