saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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