Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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