Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
