chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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