My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
