your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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