my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
