Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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