The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
