My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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