got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She made me pour olive oil on her.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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