Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
