The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
