"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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