i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
