i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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