have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
