Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
