I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am mentally ready for anal.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
