I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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