i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
