OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
