If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
