My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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