She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
