She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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