He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't deserve a penis
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
