Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
