Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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