Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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