Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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