eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
