I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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