Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
