Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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