I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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