no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
