between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
