Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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