just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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