Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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