I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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