she looked like the before picture.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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