i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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