when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
