My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think people are normalizing furries
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
